{January 30, 2017}   Beyond Limits – 2015

I found a limit over the weekend. Something I will never do again and not for the reasons most would think. I did it anyway, it was started and had to be finished. The damage to my body is nothing compared to what it’s done to my head. There are other things for me to write about, much happier things such as 25 + 1 but instead this is all I am able to say right now.

I had wanted this for a long time. Ever since I saw a guy at a bus stop when I was in my early teens. He had beautiful scars on his legs, designs of swirls and twists but not tattoos. I have always loved body mods, always wanting more and thinking of what to add to my own personal canvas. It’s art to me, expression, beauty in order to make me feel more like me. A scarification was going to happen at some point in my life. It already has. My first was a rose cutting on my left breast but I decided my next had to be a skin peel in order to get the look I wanted.

So I did it. I had it done. The pain was like nothing else I have ever experienced and I don’t know how I got through it. I don’t know how I survived it because to me it was hell, it was agony and so far past what I could deal with. This isn’t said to put people off, I have never handled the pain from blades very well at all. Cutting is difficult for me, always has been. I can’t find a way to deal with the pain it brings me, it’s just pain and I don’t find it fun.

But now that its all over it seems nothing compared to how it feels to heal. So tired and exhausted I can’t walk properly, talk, think, I can hardly feel emotions at all. The only way to describe this is empty. I am left with nothing inside of me yet I am forced to keep going. I have no strength to laugh so all I do is cry. Every movement causes my muscles to spasm and skin to prickle that’s not even there. My body is starting to heal, the pain will get better but it’s not easier to cope with. My head is now broken.

I have never questioned what mods I get. I have never doubted if I should have done it or not. But this leaves me feeling sick at myself. To ask someone to do this to me, to maime my body by removing skin, just to get a scar? Is it worth it? Is this pain worth going through or have I mutilated myself and I just call it art? Am I sick? I feel like I’m sick. Like I am seriously fucked up for wanting it done in the first place and for some how actually managing to go through something which was so far past my limits.

I wanted this. I asked for this. Now I have to live with it.

I’m not proud of what I went through or what I’m going through now. I’m not proud that I wanted it, asked for it and finally got it. I don’t see what I did as a feat of great achievement, I see it as a new level of completely fucked up shit I put my body through.

I reached a limit and went right past it. Now I have to live with my choice because I can’t go back.

I hope this feeling goes away and I can look at my scarification with awe and not repulsion. I hope I see the beauty in it like i did for the guy at the bus stop. This isn’t me. I am not an empty person, I just have to ride this out. I knew it was going to be difficult, you can’t put your body through such trauma and simply be okay. I just never expected getting this done would make me question my own sanity.

I won’t regret this once it’s all over. I just have to heal.


{January 30, 2017}   Finding Home Again – 2014

Home is in the hall. Walking into a crowded space that is filled with smiles, applause and pride. Old friends and new and an atmosphere that is so electric that the scars on my back and knees tingle as people take flight, some for the first time and others for the hundredth. I feel their pain, their joy, I just feel.

An old post that didn’t make it on here for some reason.

This weekend was For the love of hooks event, it was a skindependant fundraiser that i am proud to say was apart of. I don’t know why flesh hook suspension have always interested me but since i was 16 i was in love and i wanted to do it. This time it was my second suspension and I won’t say it was easier than the first because i dont think it was, it just went smoother than the first and i was happier about this one.

Being suspended by your own skin is not easy. Not everyone can fathom why i do it, why i love it, why i find watching it one of the most beautiful things in the world. But that is sacred to me so it doesn’t really matter. The body amazes me, what we can put our body through, what we can over come by sheer will power, astounds me.

I was hung on saturday the 23rd of july 2011. I was surround by the most amazing people, i had dear friends there supporting me and others. I had the skindependant crew taking care of me each step of the way, and i had my partners there.

I had two hooks in my back and two in my knees, its called a 4pt lotus, though its not really a lotus since my legs arent crossed and the other lotus’ look way better. I had people wandering around me checking the rigging, i had a crew member holding my hand and giving me a step by step kind of what to expect thing from his own experience. There was people dancing around to music, and to no music, there was bromance moments, there was laughter and smiles. The atmosphere of these events blows me away.

Watching others endure the fight against themselves in those moments and then seeing their face when they win against it, its one of the most beautiful things ive ever seen. I find beauty in flesh hook suspensions and always have and always will.

With my own suspension I got to a point where i doubted myself in a very big way. I was so damn close but i didn’t think I could go any further, I panicked inside because i wanted this so damn badly and was afraid my body was going to prevent me from finishing what I had started. My feet were off the ground and i felt like i was sitting on this weird angle, i was so close to being off that seat and i told them up and i was just about to stay stop but i shut my mouth and kept going til i was off that seat and in the air. I was so so lucky when it come to the music being played because i just sat there with my eyes closed singing to myself, calming myself.

Okay so the video is not the most flattering for my larger figure but hey, you get the picture. It was hard to try and have my head up, i was happy with it bowed down and eyes shut just feeling that i had won over my own mind and body. It took a long time to get in the air, and for others they are up within a couple of minutes. This is easier for some rather than others, and I do find this extremely hard to do. So i took my time and i got it in the end. I was in the air for about 6mins, some can easily do 15mins, but i got my 6 and that was all i wanted. I didn’t need more, i couldn’t do more but what i did was for me and no one else in those moments.

I am struggling with my depression severely at the moment, i am still feeling my body having withdrawls from my old anti depressants, its this odd almost dizzy feeling. I delt with that the entire day, i delt with it through my suspension. But if i could deal with it then, then my next flight is going to be even better.

I spent the whole day there, i didnt get to see maybe 3/4 suspensions of the whole day because i had been sitting on cold hard seats for hours and i needed to go to bed. I was stuffed. It took a hell of a lot out of my body and my mind, i was almost in tears so many times throughout the day because i was so proud of everyone who gave it a go, some succeeded and some didn’t But it didn’t matter because they did everything they could. And sometimes your body does fail you, this is not a natural thing for your body to go through. So by the time i got home i could hardly move, i wanted so so badly to be able to go to day 2 but i have been in bed all day. My muscles are finally forgiving me and i am able to get out of bed without johntys help.

This weekend empowered me in a way that i needed so badly. With everything that i deal with within myself, i needed that moment where i won against my body and mind and succeeded in what i wanted to do. And i did it, and i realize why everyone is so proud of me. I am proud of me, and if I can swing from hooks through my skin, then I can get through this black patch that i am going through.

For everyone who made the day what it was, i am thankful. For the crew who went around with vomit buckets, bandages, rigging, to simply making some one smile because they are nervous. They are all beautiful people who are passionate about what they do, and they have fun doing it. i was in such good hands, and so were the rest of those being suspended, I don’t think I would want any other crew doing this than these guys. I am so so glad that I got to be a part of this event, and I will be apart of more.

There is beauty in everything, and i find it in the strangest of places. Suspensions can only be described by me as beautiful, the people who do it and are part of it are all beautiful to me.


{June 11, 2013}   Silence Me – My Ritual

Three days ago i did my silencing ritual and this is the writing i did later on that night. It has been edited from the original as some things were not relevant to post on this site.

I started out wanting to do this in order to silence what goes on in my head.. to take away my voice in order to try to calm my inner voice. Its something i have wanted to do for probably over a year and tonight i did it. I had my mouth sutured closed and the experience was more than i ever could have imagined.. it went from learning to quieten myself, to learning how to listen.

It hurt.. there was a needle going through my face so of course it hurt! The pain wasn’t what scared me about this. I have my lip pierced so i had a very vague idea of what the pain was going to be like. When He started i was scared, i wasn’t just nervous i was scared. I had wanted this for so long and now to actually have it done.. could i really do it? He started and bit by bit i was sewn closed. It got to a point where even though my head was telling me it was fine, my body was telling me we were going too fast. I had a massive wave of shock kick in, the kind of shock which makes you want to vomit, and with stitches in my mouth, vomiting wasn’t an option. So we slowed down, and bit by bit He sewed more until it was done. I am beyond proud of myself because i managed to get through something that my body did not want to happen. I over took the shock and i rode it in waves until i no longer felt sick i just floated. And for me, riding the kind of shock that makes me sick, is that hardest kind for me to fight. Its not that endured it, or  blocked it, boxed it, we just found a way that i could manage it and for me thats big. I am beyond proud because going into it i was utterly terrified.. to the point where when He was preparing things i almost backed out.

But i didn’t back out, and i found a peace like nothing else. My inner voice, the voice that has been ruling my life with negative thoughts and feelings finally shut the fuck up. I didn’t think anything…  and for someone with depression, do you know how good it feels to think nothing at all? And then the thing i didn’t expect happened. I started listening, really listening to the things people said. I do listen to people, but when you can’t speak, when you can’t answer them. You hear the things they are trying to tell you but can’t, you pick up on movement and tone and when someone tells you that they are proud of you, that you are beautiful and amazing… you understand why they are telling you. You understand that they mean it, that they feel it with everything within them and not being able to answer means that you don’t shrug it off like its nothing. You don’t shy away because of your inability to take compliments. You actually fucking listen to every word they say and you know they mean it and you feel that.

I find it hard to take compliments, i don’t hold a high opinion of myself and i often find it hard to see the things in me that others see. But when you have no voice, when there are no thoughts in your head.. you start to see what they have been trying to tell you the whole time they have known you. I find what i did to be beautiful. I kept going back to look in the mirror because despite the dried blood and thread sticking out of my face, i found the image staring back at me beautiful.

I had so many compliments on the way i looked tonight. Everyone was so incredibly kind and to talk to someone who watches my journey from afar and have her tell me how happy she is for me. That she has loved being able to watch me grow into who i am now. I did take it in, but then later when i couldn’t speak, the conversation came back to me and i understood things in a way i didn’t before.

I have felt so lost after my suspension, so at odds with the world and those around me. But by simply taking away my voice, forcing me into silence where the only thing i can do is truly listen to people.. i no longer feel lost. Its like the lost little girl inside made up her mind on which path to take and she chose to go straight through the middle of the fork and pave her own path.

What i needed to learn the most was how to listen, how to accept what others say and to smile and laugh and enjoy. Its nice to have my smile back.. even if it does hurt.

To me it was about finding myself and learning to listen, to stop the things in my head long enough to actually hear the things people were telling me.

This was selfish and my own, i did this all for myself but i needed to do it. And i’m very lucky to have such a wonderful friend who time and time again gives me exactly what i need, no matter how selfish it is.

I don’t know if i could have done this without His help because when i enter into something that terrifies me on such a massive level like this, its His silent push that marks the moment where i decide that there is no way in hell i’m backing out.

Thank You, for giving me what i needed and helping me find peace again. For just being you because your a pretty cool dude 🙂


{June 3, 2013}   Suspension flop

Last weekend i did another suspension… or at least i tried to do one. I was ment to be doing a 6pt hammock, four in my knees, two in my back.. mimicking a hammock (get it?). The day wasn’t really going right for anyone from the start. One of our lovely regulars who had an epic one sorted for the day had to go home with her sick son. My poor wonderful Mischief, i know how much it would have sucked not being able to be there that day. To get to the hall and then have to go home again, but family comes first and we all understood that. So many people had pulled out for the day, so i got my mum to come down early so i could go up, so they could at least get someone up and get the day rolling until others arrived.

I was prepared, i was happy and excited and nervous and i was completely in the zone for it. But something happened and i didn’t end up flying at all. I ended up a crying emotional mess in front of everyone. So this is what i think happened… this is what i have been trying to get my head around all week so i could write something down. I have to write it down, this is part of it for me even if its taken me a lot longer to get here.. but i get here in the end.

What happened? I was cold, i couldn’t warm up all morning but i pushed this to the back of my mind because if i think i can do it, then il do it. They pierced my back and that was okay, didn’t seem to hurt as much as it usually does for some reason. Then my knees, this is where everything starts to fall apart. My second suspension i had hooks in my knees so i knew what it looked it, didn’t think it would bother me at all. Been there done that il be sweet. It hurt so much more than i thought it would, and i have always found the piercing one of the hardest bits because i find piercings in general hard i just suck it up because its all part of it and i want it. But it seriously freaking hurt, and then the way it looked. Oh my fucking god i have hooks sticking out of my knees, what the fuck am i doing! For some reason the sight of it really threw me, i couldn’t understand why it scared me but for some reason it did. I have seen suspensions over and over again now. I know what it looks like, i know what i look like, ive seen photos, videos of myself. For some reason it really did my head in. I shook it off, sucked it up, i’m fine, everythings fine this is going to be fun.

The rigging.

I don’t normally have a huge problem with getting rigged up but even having my back rigged and any slight tension or movement of the hooks hurt like hell. My body was so hypersensitive and then when it got to my knees the pain just got worse. I was terrified i wouldn’t be able to handle the lift. How can i handle the lift if i can’t even handle the rigging.. this is the easy bit. Thats the moment everything really turned to shit. I doubted myself and i have said that the only possible way i will ever get off the ground is if i don’t have a shred of doubt in my mind. I doubted myself and i knew i was doubting myself but i knew i was being stupid. I have done this before, its not that scary, its not that bad. Where is your fucking fight, where is your determination, where is that smile, that grin?

Its up to me now, the rigging is set and its up to me. The more tension on the hooks the more thoughts creep into my mind. There is no way the skin on your knees is going to be able to handle your weight, your too heavy for this style and its not going to work. Its going to rip to shreds, there is no way this is going to work. I tell myself to shut up because again im being stupid. I have to try this, i didn’t come here not to try. I know that with every suspension there is a risk of tearing, it may be a small risk but it is still a risk and i go into every single one knowing that risk. So why does it bother me today? Why is my weight all of a sudden a massive factor? I do this because its a place where my weight doesn’t matter, so why am i thinking these things now?

I push everything away, i block everything out. I can do this, i am not too heavy, i am strong and confident and i know i can do this. Bit by bit i will fucking do this and its going to take a while but i know i can get there. I am not scared, i am fine. And bit by bit i get up, but the more i get up the more my lower back hurts. I can’t relax into this, i can’t find a position thats comfortable and my arms are killing me from holding my weight because i can’t not put weight on my arms, i can’t bring them up onto myself and just have my weight on the hooks. I can’t relax and the more tense i am the more it hurts and the more different areas of my body hurts in different positions. Up, down, up, down. Bring it all the way down because i need to stop for a moment and regroup. Try again, same problems. I can’t relax and no matter how much i tell myself that i can do this i can’t. I blurt out that i need it to stop. I didn’t think about saying it, i just said it. They asked if i wanted to do a suicide instead but i knew my head had already done too much damage and i wouldn’t have been able to get off the ground with that either so i said no.

I broke down. I was so emotionally and physically fucked that all i could do was cry. I tried to piece together in my head what had gone wrong and why i had said stop but my head was all fogged up and i couldn’t think. I shut down.. I was numb.

I didn’t tell any of the team what was going on in my head because i didn’t even really know what was going on in my head. One moment i was thinking no i can’t do it and the next i was overcoming it with yes i can do this, i will do this. This wasn’t something i could talk to them about or i would have at the time. This was internal and without a voice and its only now after so much time has gone passed that i can actually put a voice to what was going on in my head. This is not a reflection of the fantastic work that these guys do it was all me.

Thats why it sucks so much. Because i know i did it all to myself and i don’t know why or how. It just happened, for whatever reason my head went mental and i couldn’t stop it, no one could have stopped that. What sucks the most is my confidence took a hit. I am now concerned about my weight when suspensions where the one place where i wasn’t concerned about it. I don’t want to suspend again until i have lost 21kgs.. my goal is double digits and thats what i have to get down to before i will be happy to try it again. I am not afraid of doing suspensions and i will still do suspensions, its such a big part of who i am. But until i have lost more weight i won’t be doing them, because losing the weight is just going to make it easier to do them. It sucks but i don’t want to go into a suspension and freak out about being too heavy again. It was the most stupidest thing ever but for some reason it happened and i’m paying for it. So i’m taking it as a good indication that i need to start doing something more about it.

I love the team. Afterwards i got messages of love and support from them and it helped so much. To hear that i wasn’t the only one upset, that they were going through it with me helped. Because each and every one of them knows how hard what we do really is, and how much it sucks when someone can’t get off the ground. I will get off the ground again, i’m not scared that it will never happen again because it will, its just going to be a while before i do.

I’m upset because i did it to myself, and thats the hardest part of all of it. It happens to the best of us, we are not always going to make it off the ground. We are special because we go into a room with the intent of trying, and even just having that intent makes us different from the rest and i love that. I love this world and its not going to stop me, i just have to get over the fact i did it to myself because its hard knowing that.

Your mind is your own worst enemy as well as the greatest gift.


{February 12, 2013}   Suspension Reflection

I haven’t done a suspension since October last year, but its something that is on my mind several times a day despite how often i do them. From the start i knew they were something i would fall in love with, something i would cherish like a precious gift but what i didn’t know was how i would change as a person simply by doing them, and being part of the community we have here.

Confidence has been my biggest issue, my size has always effected me and in a world where appearance means so much.. i was never “hot stuff” to a shallow country. I count my blessings everyday that i know the people involved with Skindependent. Time and time again i get to be surrounded by people who really don’t give a shit about how you look. Not just the team, but the other people who suspend. In that hall, your gender, sexuality, political views, the way you dress, the way you adorn your body or your choice to not do.. none of it matters. You are a person in your entirety and you are welcomed with open arms for just being you. You become part of a greater family, a place where being yourself is encouraged and you aren’t judged on the things that we are judged on on an everyday basis. No one cares how much money you make, or any petty little thing like that because you are accepted for who you are. There are very few places that you can go, that everyone will applaud you, tell you that you did amazing, that you looked amazing and so happy.. complete strangers are awe-struck and they aren’t afraid to tell you so. You become friends with people from all walks of life and you learn to accept people as they are because nothing else really matters. In the short time ive been part of this community i have seen more beauty in the world than i ever noticed beforehand because i no longer see the world as it was.. i see it as it is in its entirety.

I breathe suspensions, i live suspensions everyday… each day there is a new post, a new video, a new picture.. of something beautiful and jaw-dropping. The more i do the more i love and the more i appreciate the dedication that goes in to organising these events. I see videos, or read blogs of people all around the world. And even if i have never met them, they become familiar to me, part of a greater family that i haven’t had the pleasure in meeting yet. I watch their struggles and their achievements and i glow with pride because i can feel what they feel, i know what its like because i’ve done it. I know the pain, the ache, the tug, the pull, the lift, the happiness, pride, achievement, glory of overcoming something and i also know the disappointment, the hurt and the drive to do better next time. I glow with pride because i know how much it means to get up, to be around the most beautiful people you have ever met, to learn, to grow and to be something more than you ever thought you could be. I glow with pride because even if i don’t know the person, i feel like i know them and i’m proud of what they do and who they are.

It doesn’t matter if its your first time or your hundredth, it doesn’t matter if i know you or not because i will cry tears of joy for you because suspensions are one of the most amazing things in the world to me and the people who are part of it make it that much more amazing for me. A million strangers in the world and i will pat you on the back and tell you how fantastic you did because its what i truly believe.

Being part of something that is so incredibly special, has made me a better person and i’ve learned to appreciate life and art and love in a way i never thought possible. Its not just the act of suspension that makes me do this time and time again but its the family that i have joined.

{October 28, 2012}   Last Sunday Sessions of 2012

Today was the last Sunday Sessions of 2012 and the whole day was amazing for me. It started off by me watching some very cool suspensions. My lovely Mischief as always blowing me away with her strength and beauty as well as watching someone’s second suspension which just happened to be back and chest!! The mans second suspension and already trying out a chest, i was completely in awe the whole time. And being able to watch someone else’s first time, giving them advice to try to help calm him down a little before he went to get pierced and watching him soar and be completely at peace once he was up, it was magic. I really love when a persons first time goes really well for them, because i know how hard it is and how hard it is when things don’t go the way you want them to.

I was nervous, i was fine when i was distracted but my last suspension was very disappointing for me. I was disappointed with myself and so i wanted this to one to go okay so i could get my confidence back and know that i really can do this. After watching some of the mornings suspensions and getting more and more nervous about my own, we went off to have lunch and pick up my friend. After i ate i felt sick, i was really anxious and scatterbrained, not thinking properly at all and this made me worry if i was even going to be able to get through the piercing side of it. By the time I got back to the hall I was feeling okay again, I didn’t feel sick anymore and I was very determined again. I got plugged in, focused on my music while they massaged and pulled at my skin. Figuring out were to place the hooks and then having to wipe away the marks and do it again. The only thing i hated about this part is my feet were getting sore from trying to hold still for so long.. i don’t mind waiting. I would much rather they were completely happy with where the hooks were to be placed and have it take a while, than for them to rush through it and not feel confident. I trust these people and waiting doesn’t bother me.. just my feet did lol.

It was strange because while i was waiting, i wasn’t nervous anymore, i wasn’t scared. I was just focused, happy within myself, happy to be there, be around those people and happy that it was finally my turn again. I knew that i could do it, that everything would be fine this time around. I swear that it doesn’t matter how many times people suspend you will still get a little nervous when it comes down to it, but i wasn’t.. i was completely okay this time. Usually when they pierce me they do it one at a time, this time they did two at a time and it was actually a hell of a lot easier.. it still hurt of course but it felt like only three hooks and not six. Then its time to get rigged up. The way they rigged was a little different this time, they got the first two done and then put heaps of tension on while they did the others. I was already flying in my head, i could almost feel my feet leave the ground and i would grin in between random pain faces as they adjusted things.

Having a lot of tension on the hooks actually made the whole thing a lot easier, my body was already used to a lot of tension before i even started my wee back and forth dance. Suddenly its time, its up to me. I walk and pull and then tell them to pull on the rope more and i walk and pull more. And then i bloody well get cramp in my foot! I just laughed about it, it happened to Mischief last time so she knew how annoying it was. I keep going and soon i’m off the ground. I smile and laugh and swing a little but then i start feeling lightheaded. I don’t want to come down yet, i’m not finished! I have to, i feel like i’m going to pass out and i need to be on the ground if i do. I’m back on the ground and i have some juice, laugh and smile some more. Start to feel less foggy and i know i’m not finished yet. I’m going to go back up again. I think maybe I rushed a little the first time, and so I try to slow down a bit. But i can’t slow down, the more i pull and tug the faster i walk, the easier it is. Its funny because all while i’m doing this there are a lot of people watching, but in those moments i see no one. There is me, just me, i can feel the others around me but my focus is all on myself. I look at people without really seeing them and so i stare at a spot on the floor instead. I’m so damn determined, i’m not giving up. I’m putting my foot down and i’m going to do this, i will get back up again. I’m almost up and  i walk back and forth and tell them to take me all the way up. As the rope is pulled and i’m slowly lifted i keep walking back and forth and with one last effort and push off of Mischief’s hands.. i’m up. I grin, i laugh, i giggle, i spin around and swing. I have my eyes closed for a lot of it, i just focus on the swing and the music, i sing along to myself and then smile and laugh more. Sometimes i look around, and i can finally see everyone else, i can see everyone smiling back at me. I feel completely at peace inside, that the world around me is perfect again. That in these moments everything is perfect, everything is fun and happy and loving and i can’t help but smile and laugh. I don’t know how long i was up, i don’t know how high up i was or how much i swung around but i don’t care either. Because i did it. I got up, i got up twice and i managed to stay up without that awful shock taking over everything. The suspension before this didn’t go well and i was scared i wouldn’t be able to get off the ground again, i got off the ground and in the end it was honestly my best suspension so far. I have never been that completely ecstatic from a suspension. I have been happy from suspensions, i have felt perfect from them but this time everything was just that much more. It ment that much more to me. Its hard to describe how perfect and wonderful this really was for me, i can’t even get the words out to begin to try and explain how magical this suspension truly was. Being in the air, spinning and swinging and feeling free, and then opening my eyes and seeing how happy everyone else was just by watching me, having them share my completely happiness.. that is what magic is to me. The room was electrified and connected and i can understand why people have done suspensions to feel closer to God. I’m not religious and so the only way i can describe it is magic, something that you feel in the air and in your heart and you can almost see it but not quite. Its more than just the chemicals your body produces to protect you but i don’t know what it is. Energy i guess, energy i believe in but magic is my word for it, my own personal magic.

My muscles start to hurt and i know that i’m ready to come down, i’m happy to come down. My mum comes over to me, she hugs me and tells me how much she loves me, that i amaze her and that i am such a strong person. We both stand there crying, and hugging each other. The adrenaline is wearing off and i’m starting to think a little clearer again. We laugh and cry more, set off other people in the room. It was a very, very emotional moment for everyone, it was beautiful. I stand there talking and laughing more with people while they get sorted out so the hooks can be removed. Then i lay back down on the table and just lay there in quiet reflection as the crew remove the hooks and bandage me up. I can hardly feel the hooks being removed, it doesn’t hurt and i just close my eyes and breathe. I did it, and i’m so happy.

I’m quiet the rest of the afternoon, i’m tired and my muscles hurt. I keep smiling to myself as i remember everything, going over and over again in my mind. I’m still in quiet reflection now, hours later and I will be for days to come. Its the people that surround me that make me able to do this. I said to my mum when i was 16 that one day i would do flesh hook suspensions, and i was lucky enough to find an amazing group of people who help me time and time again to do this. Having a supportive and loving crew helping me every step of the way, watching me grow and change and growing and changing with me… to me this is very special. I won’t ever be able to thank these people enough for what it is they give to me. Suspensions are a powerful thing and i love that there is a community of people who share it with me, that I have an amazing crew like Skindependent and the help of people from Suspended inTension (another amazing crew), an amazing friend Mischief, and my beautiful mum, all supporting me and helping me do what i do. I love this, and i’m so proud of everyone who was involved today. I can’t wait until the next Sunday Sessions in 2013.

For those who read this, there are probably spelling errors and it may seem a bit disjointed in places but i’m still flying inside right now 🙂

Written a year ago

She stands in a crowd and no one see’s
Blending in to hide from the scene
My pretty little imperfection
Such a perfect imperfection

Silently walking this dark lonely street
No other sound but the sound of her feet
Wishing the wind would sweep her away
Wanting the pain to ebb and to fade

Ending up no-where in the pouring rain
A tear streaked face, with no one to blame
My pretty little imperfection
Such a perfect little imperfection

{August 22, 2012}   My journey

Every perfect flaw

Every scar

Every tear I shed

Every drop of blood I spill

I do this for me.

This is my own personal journey…

A moment of physical suffering in order to reach my perfect heaven.

A moment of mental exhaustion and I push through, I push forward and I become me again.

Watch me grow and change and blossom

I do this for me.

With blood as my paint and body as my canvas I create something that only few can understand.

Few see what I see when I watch the others and few feel what I feel as I do this to myself.

But when I am there, everything is perfect.

The world makes sense and I am free within.

I do this for me.

There is no judgement in my moments of clarity and my fear of everything fades.

I see light within the dark and beauty within the mundane.

But you can’t understand this unless you accept this.

This is simply who I am…

And I will always do this for me.

{June 25, 2012}   Suspension time again

Yup yup, it was suspension time again!

Yesterday I did a 2pt suicide but have actually been left slightly disappointed with myself. The main goal is always to get off the ground and i have always said that it doesn’t matter if i’m up 5mins of 5 seconds its the fact i got up… but this one was so much harder to do. Mentally and physically it was one of the hardest once i was off the ground. I don’t know if it was because it was cold or if it was just me but I simply couldn’t handle what was going on and that frustrates me.

I had spent the whole day there watching others own personal battles with what they were doing and I was so excited about doing it myself. My friend Mischief did the most beautiful 10pt lotus which took my breath away, I wanted to cry because she looked so at peace after finding it hard to get off the ground. I feel so lucky that I got to watch that..

My best friend was there and it really opened her eyes up to why I do it. She already knows so much about suspensions because I can’t help but talk about it all the time, but her actually seeing it all made her really understand why i am so passionate about it all. After she had seen me do it, she said that one day she would like to do that with me…. for me that is a really huge thing. Even if she never ends up doing it, the fact that she would like to do that, suspend while i’m suspending as well… thats massive. Showing my friends what I do, letting them see why I do it and letting them see the beauty that I see it in.. its all part of it for me. Even if i only ever get one person to understand just a little bit, that makes me really happy because I love sharing this with people.

Anyway, after lunch its my turn. I get the hooks in and it’s not any more painful than the usual, I know this is the easy part and I have to get my head in the game. I plug in and let my head focus on the music, I’m rigged up and I start. I don’t want to go to fast, I take longer to tell them to take me up more because I want my body used to it, really used to it before I start again. I want to make sure I can do this. I can feel my heart pounding in my chest, it fills my ears and drowns out the music that I am trying to focus on, I have to make myself calm down. Its pounding harder and harder, like a jackhammer inside me, I can’t understand why this is happening and whats wrong. I block out the sound of my heart and I listen to my music, I focus more and I start to calm down again. Its not very painful at that moment, its more pressure and pull than pain which was why I couldn’t understand my sudden panic. I’m up on tip toes but I can’t keep my balance, Mischief helps me and I hold on to her and I walk up and down, pulling and releasing, getting my body ready. I walk  back and forth for so much longer than I need to, I knew I was ready but I had to keep doing it, I had to be certain that my body was not going to falter once it took the whole of my weight on the hooks. She stares into my eyes, telling me without words that I can do this, to focus and be calm, that I am so close and can keep going. A song comes on, Send the pain below- Chevelle.. this is it, this is my moment and if I don’t do it now I won’t do it…. send the pain below, thats what I have to do, thats what I am going to do. I tell them to take me up all the way, that last pull and I am up. Something is different this time, even when the shock and the final hit of pain is over… i can feel the muscles pull down the length of my spine. I don’t know why I feel this, what it is and what it means but it aches. I can’t process it, it won’t shift and go away but I want to stay up, I want to swing, I have to fly, this is what I have come here for. This is my moment, my own personal battle within myself and I have to fight so damn hard but its not working. I can’t seem to fight this ache and it confuses me.. why now? This is my fourth suspension so why does my body fight me now? Why does it feel so different this time and why can’t I keep fighting against it, why can’t I win this time?

At the time I am not really thinking any of this, this is what i think about afterwards.. at the time I was just so confused over the ache down the length of my back and I was trying to push that ache away so I could keep going. I want to swing, and fight for as long as I possibly can so I tell my friend to push me. I swing and I feel free and for a few moments the ache is gone and everything is back to being perfect, I grin again, feel my own power well up inside of me but then the ache returns and my heart is thumping in my head again. I need to go down but I don’t want to, I don’t want to give in and give up but I can’t fight anymore. I’m on the ground again and I know that I can’t go back up, that its all over. I stand there and feel the ache, that horrible ache that stopped me. I don’t want to open my eyes and see everyone looking so proud at me, because I don’t feel proud this time, I’m frustrated that I couldn’t fight, that I let my body win over my mind. Yes I got off the ground and I should be proud of that, and I am proud of that… but I expected too much of myself and was left disappointed when i couldn’t keep fighting. I feel faint and I just stand there and breathe until my head is a little less foggy. The hooks are removed and my back is on fire, they press the air out and patch me up, the more pressure the more it hurts. Normally this part doesn’t hurt me, once the hooks are out the pressure is good but for some reason this time my whole back aches.

I want to go, I don’t want to talk to anyone. I just want to go home and sleep… I have never felt so exhausted before from a suspension… mentally and physically exhausted. On the car ride home my friend is sitting in the back seat yabbering on… I don’t want to talk, I just want to sleep.. then maybe i can start to try and process what happened, try to understand it more so i don’t feel so upset with myself. We get home and she walks off to a bus stop, i curl up on the couch and sleep. Try to block out everything and everyone and just rest.

This was all internal, this was my body vs my mind and nothing anyone else had done would have prevented this.. this was all inside of me and the team and my friends were not responsible for this. I don’t know why I started to panic and I don’t know if thats what made this so hard for me once I was up. I don’t understand why I had a sudden pull down my back, when I haven’t had the kind of pull before, even though I have done this before. I don’t understand why I couldn’t fight the ache and keep going and I don’t understand why it went away and I was fine, and then it came back. All I know is that yes, i did a successful suspension, but it was not as successful as I wanted it to be and that in the end I couldn’t fight against my body. What I do know is that this happens. Some people don’t get off the ground and others get off the ground but can’t fight and have to come down again. I know this and I understand this. This is not an easy thing to do, fighting against yourself can be very hard and this time it wasn’t something I could keep doing.

But I had to do this, and I had to learn this, experience this and so i know the signs for next time. Next time i know that I will be able to fight for longer. I am happy that i did this, and the confidence and beauty I feel from doing suspensions are still there, and this wont stop me from doing more. It just didn’t go as well as I had planned and its not always going to go as well as I want it to. If i had said any of this at the time, everyone would have been there for me and supported me but I didn’t mention it because I didn’t understand it at the time. I had to go home, rest and then think about it all before I said to anyone what i was feeling inside. I probably wont ever understand fully what happened and I have to accept that. I have to accept that not every suspension I do is going to work out the way I want it to and that its okay to be frustrated about it.

I am disappointed that I couldn’t fight as hard as I wanted to but I did do the best I could and I did get off the ground and swing around for a bit. This is just something I have to learn from for next time…. because no matter what happens I will always do this. Suspensions are a huge part of who I am as a person now and I’m not going to let this stop me.

et cetera