{January 30, 2017}   Suspensions Are About Love – 2015

Lately it’s felt like everything I have worked hard to keep, has been slowly slipping through my fingers. With every passing day more and more is lost, until I’m grasping at the last pieces. Hoping and praying that this will survive, because already we have faced so much. How could this finally break us? Without trust and connection, there is nothing left though.

I didn’t suspend in order to save a relationship. I suspended in order to save myself. Out of all of this mess, I have been breaking apart. Piece by piece I am broken and worn down. Few fragments are left over once the dust had settled. I suspend in order to find myself. To find that part inside of me that makes me so unlike anyone else around. My need to survive, to pull the broken parts back in and force them back into place. To take a stand and fight my way back, clawing and choking through darkness until I can breathe again. It’s my strength that has always set me apart from the rest because I never know it’s there until I need it the most. When I use it in order to keep myself alive when the thought of existing causes physical pain. I will never give up, not even when it feels like the best option. I do everything to survive and that makes me powerful.

At one of my suspensions, my mum watched. After I got back on the ground she hugged me crying. She told me to never say that I can’t do something because if I can do that, I can do anything. I can beat my depression. It’s a moment that has stayed with me ever since. And so in a way I have used suspensions as a way to heal myself when I don’t know how to find that strength. It shows me that I am powerful and that I can face anything, even when it hurts like hell. Through suspension I have gained confidence and determination. It makes me find that part inside to keep surviving when I feel so lost. Lately I have been very lost and I desperately needed to find myself again.

I wanted something that I knew I could do. I picked a style I have done a few times already. After my chest I needed something that I could walk into the hall, and have complete confidence that I would fly. I never doubted myself. I was ready days before it even happened. Even at the hall I didn’t get nervous until the first hooks where being put in and by that time there was no way I would even consider backing out. They hurt more than I remembered they would. Fear set in then. If i didn’t manage to get off the ground I don’t know how I would have handled it. I needed this so badly that I had so much riding on it. Not to mention the fact that I had finally managed to get my friend to the hall so he could watch. Something I’ve been trying to do for a long time because I know how much my friend wants to do it. I have to get off the ground, I have to fix me.

Getting off the ground wasn’t hard. I was so ready for it that it didn’t take nearly as long as it normally does. I needed His help to balance, I needed Him to silently push me to keep trying. In those moments I needed Him more than I have ever needed Him. He helped me walk and I settled into the music. I smiled a lot because I was happy. I was happy to be in this moment, feeling the sensations of the hooks, hearing the music and feeling His hands warm in mine. Soon it was lift off, my feet left the ground and there was only us. Me fighting to stay in control and ride out the waves, Him holding me and keeping me centred. There is only us in this moment.

Push me. Let me feel free. Let me feel everything wash away, wash clean. Let me rebuild myself. Becoming stronger with every swing and push. Let me find myself again after feeling so lost for so long. I swing and move and flex my body and sing to my music because there is no one left at all. I see faces and I laugh and I love this feeling and I never want it to end. I move around with my eyes closed and feel air rush past me. There is no better feeling than flying.

Slow down. I went so fast so quickly and now I just want to float above the ground. He holds me and I tell myself to wait until the song ends before coming down. Just float here with Him for a little while. Right now nothing else matters. This is us, how we should be. Finally starting to mend and connect and trust. This was never done to fix us but in a way it has. Now He sees all of me, now He watchs as I rebuild. Now He shares a sacred part of me and even if He doesn’t get it and its not His thing. He knows it changes me into a better me. The me He fell for at the beginning. Now I am myself again. I don’t know why it worked but it did. Without a connection what’s the point to it all? We had been losing ours, fearing for the worst. Now it is stronger than before, harder to break. We won’t break.

I touch the ground and He holds me up. I cry because I am the happiest I have been in such a long time. I don’t want to let Him go, I don’t want this moment to end. I’m scared that once it’s gone it won’t come back. That I imagined it all and everything is still so broken. It’s not though, we really are going to be okay.

Suspensions are about love.


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