{January 30, 2017}   Rebirth

I feel like I haven’t really written about suspensions in a while. I never wrote about my pinup and I never wrote about my 2pt chest (which still saddens me because that was so so important and I should have written about it). I guess maybe it got to a point where I felt like I was always repeating myself. What else can I really say that I haven’t already said a thousand times? How can I describe the feelings and the emotions behind it, how can I make my journey different from all the others I have done now. I suppose that this time it is different though.. this time I wasn’t ready, I was unsure.

I entered into it because I was already having the day off because my girl was going to suspend. I thought I should use the day to the best I could by suspending as well. As it turns out my roster changed so it was my weekend off and she had to withdraw. It never really occurred to me that I was still going to suspend and that I had chosen to do a style which I have wanted to do for a few years. It got to the start of the week and I was kind of like “oh fuck, its this weekend”. I wasn’t prepared and there were several times I almost backed out. I didn’t know if now was the right time, did I really need this right now, was this the style I should do or should I change to something easier.. question after question and no real solution. I made up my mind and paid and didn’t back out. But I wasn’t prepared. I didn’t tell people I was doing it until the last minute and I didn’t even get my music sorted until the night before. I am  never that slack with preparing for suspension. I always have the music sorted at least a week before, I let people know and advertise the shit out of the event to try and get as many people as I can to come see some amazing things. But none of this happened and I was full of doubt.

Even when I got there I was in two minds. I was excited and wanted to do it, but I didn’t feel ready and I was worried if I would actually make it off the ground. This was so far out of my comfort zone that I really didn’t know what was about to happen. The first thing that threw me off was how low the hooks were going to be, I understood the placement and afterwards was pretty grateful for it but at the time it was unexpected. The more I do the more I struggle with the piercing.. I have so much scar tissue now that I really dread it. But because it was so low it was smooth sailing, probably one of the easiest times they have pierced me. Pop and the needle was through. Some pinching and moving and ready to go.

Because of the style I wanted rope around my legs. I’m fat so I was worried that once I was up I wouldn’t be able to grab my legs and curl up how I wanted to. Having my legs tied together was going to make it easier to grab them and hold them. Rope, rigging, lift off.

One of the most painful styles I have done. But I wonder how much of that was mental. It was hard to get into the right position to start with so that when I was lifted I would curl how I wanted. After tension and rearranging I managed to get my hands off that damn table and start curling. It became a little easier after that because I could feel myself shutting off more and more. The more I curled up the less I noticed anyone but myself. I think this was the first suspension where I didn’t share it with my support person. I completely shut off from everything around me. It was just me in that room, feeling pain like I had never felt it before, feeling fear which felt alien to me but feeling comforted by the feeling of curling more and more into myself. I started to panic that maybe this was a dumb fucking idea, everything hurt more, everything sucked, there was no way in hell I could do this. And then I heard this…

There goes my pain
There goes my chains
Did you see them falling
Because this feeling
There has no meaning
There goes the world
Off of my shoulders
There goes the world
Off of my back
There it goes

And I started to sing to myself, I started to feel the words and trust that I can actually do this. Slowly it started, further and further and the pain didn’t go away, the pain didn’t get easier but I wasn’t afraid of it anymore. It hurt like nothing else but its only pain, and pain is something I can overcome because I’ve done it a thousand times.. just keep breathing it out, cry it out. Eventually I lifted away and with leaving the ground everything poured out of me. I wasn’t sad or happy, I wasn’t one emotion but I was all of them. I don’t even know what really happen but all I know is that everything flowed out of me in a flood of tears. I opened my eyes because I wanted to see that I was really off the ground and to my surprise the table wasn’t even there anymore. I was curled up, holding my legs, feeling everything but feeling nothing. In between reality and a dream. And the room was empty, it was just me and even with music blaring in my ears, everything was quiet. Being in that position was the most peaceful feeling I’ve ever had. I was up a lot longer than I expected I could handle. All while this is happening, I’m still covered in pain. It ebbs and flows but it doesn’t leave me. I didn’t think I could stay up for as long as I did, I didn’t think I would be up long enough for them to move the table away… even if that was only for a moment. My perception of time changed. I came back down, everything crashing forward, everything still pouring out of me. I don’t know how long it took me to stop, how long I stayed in that position on the table pouring my heart and soul out.

I don’t remember much after that. I was completely with the planet but I was also very far gone. I was exhausted emotionally even though physically I was coping. I still don’t know what happened. I don’t know what came out of me or why. I didn’t know that a suspension could bring that level of emotion out of me. It was beautiful and raw but so difficult to be seen like that. To be so exposed and open for everyone to see and hear. I still find it difficult to think of how exposed I was in those moments.

Physically it was one of the most difficult styles I have tried but mentally it was one of the most healing. I do feel reborn, I do feel clean and new ready to start over. I’m still trying to piece myself back together. I still feel fragile but I’m healing.

Sometimes the things that you are the least ready for, are the things you need the most to happen. Words can’t describe my gratitude.


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