PretyImperfction











{January 30, 2017}   Phase Two – Branding 2015

Over the weekend I got the second part of my leg piece done. This time it was branding. I asked a lot of questions leading up to the event. I was scared I would go through the same thing that I did with the scarification. I was scared I would lose more of myself and spend the next few months putting myself back together again. All for what? In the name of body art and self acceptance? How can it be that at all when it destroys parts of me in the process?

The branding itself was okay. It was easier to cope with than I expected. Yeah, it hurt like fuck but it wasn’t the same agony of flesh removal. Once the metal was on my skin it felt like fire and pain. But when it was removed again it was simply a warm dull ache. I cried out, I was very vocal as usual but I coped. I managed, I got through it without actually shedding any tears. A last imprint from a dear friend. One last scar of his to bear. For that I am thankful.

And He was there. Holding me, watching me hurt, helping me find strength to see it all finished. He cared for me and looked after me when it was done. Even when I snapped at Him because I found His methods frustrating. Even that night i was moody and angry and He took it in His stride like He always does.

It’s the healing that gets to me. A few days later and it all hits me. I’m exhausted and sore. I can’t have scalding hot showers or piles of blankets on me at night as the heat hurts my leg. It gets irritated and swollen because of my work pants rubbing on it. I can’t bend because my whole body aches due to the tension of muscles during the initial branding. I’ve lost interest in food and getting out of bed and facing the world has become a nightmare. I’d rather be in bed all day, trapped inside my own head, away from everyone.

It’s always the healing afterwards that tears at my very core. It’s now that I question if it was worth the pain or not. It’s now that I begin to hate what I put my body through, time and time again. It’s now that everything falls around me because all my strength is focused on healing the damaged tissue. It’s now that I feel the most alone because this was my choice, I did this to myself, I am to blame for it all. And so I suffer in silence and wait for it to pass.

When I see the scar forming, when the pain is gone and I feel more myself. That’s when this will be the best decision I’ve made. But until the healing is over I will keep sinking. This is the part I hate the most. I can deal with pain, it’s the breaking up inside that comes with healing that I can’t seem to cope with.

What I go through is not easy, none of these things are easy. What gets to me is knowing that the initial cut or burn or whatever, that’s only the first part. This doesn’t end when the design is done, it takes weeks to recover from.

Right now I’m just trying to recover. Once it’s healed I’ll be proud of it, of me. But right now I question my sanity all over again. I had hoped I wouldn’t go through this mental anguish a second time. Here I am again.

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