{January 30, 2017}   New Territory – 2015

I’ve taken my body into something further than ever before. Its having to heal something unlike anything else. I have gone against my bodys very nature by intentionally removing part of its protective barrier. Its no small thing to go through. Its something that I thought about for a very, very long time before going ahead and doing it. It wasn’t a decision made on a whim, it was thought about and planned. I could have planned it better, yes. I should have had a support person, I should have known I would not be able to drive. I should have thought about the fact that my house has stairs which I can’t get up right now. I should have thought about more time off work. But even with careful planning, not everything turns out the way I want, it turns out the way it should. I learnt lessons from the way this turned out, I learnt lessons about myself.

I can go through hell and I can do it standing alone. I can hurt in unimaginable ways and even if I feel like my own mind is crashing in around me, I still keep going. I was surrounded by people who love me and support me, this was done out of love. It felt like I was doing it alone because the people who were part of it had jobs to do, I didn’t have that one person whose job was making sure I held my shit together. That is something I should have planned for but doing it myself showed me that I can do this myself. At the end of the day when it feels like I am breaking apart, I can still find that hidden strength inside me that makes me keep going. It helps to have people around me, but at the end of the day I only have myself.

This happened the way I needed it to. I needed to fall so far and so hard the next day because I had been strong for near on three hours, and it took its toll. I never expected my mind to turn against me, because I have never done anything like this before. There is no going back from this. Once its done, you can’t change it. You can’t put the skin back, you are left with a scar for the rest of your life. This is with me always now. It wasn’t the permanence that bothered me though. I knew it was permanent and had accounted for that. It was the brutality of what I had just done which bothered me.

I know about the skin. I know about the human body and how it heals. I know the physical but the mental was something I never accounted for. I never thought I would question my reasons for doing it. I never thought I would question my own sanity for getting something like this done. This isn’t a small thing to do and go through. Its so much bigger and harder than I expected it to be. This is unlike any other mod and its not for people who don’t understand the magnitude of what this actually means. I intentionally caused a huge open wound on my leg. I took away flesh in order to cause a scar. I damaged my body on purpose so that I could force it to heal in a way which would be pleasing to me. I can’t walk properly, I have to constantly take pain killers in order to get through the day. All I do is sleep and eat and even that is hard to do at times. Getting it done seems to be the easier part of all of it now that I am starting to heal and getting it done was not easy! This is a whole new journey for me and only now am I starting to see any of the positives in it.

I didn’t do this because I’m a hard player. I didn’t do this to fit in to a group. I did this because I have always wanted it done. I did this because I like changing myself to better fit myself. I did this because it is more a part of me than leaving that patch of skin bare. I did it because I had to do it. I needed it done.

I did it because this is me. I did it because I love myself and I don’t try to hide who I am. I did this out of love, and it was done to me out of love.

Thank you for taking me on another new journey, entering into new territory and reminding me how loved I am.


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