{June 11, 2013}   Silence Me – My Ritual

Three days ago i did my silencing ritual and this is the writing i did later on that night. It has been edited from the original as some things were not relevant to post on this site.

I started out wanting to do this in order to silence what goes on in my head.. to take away my voice in order to try to calm my inner voice. Its something i have wanted to do for probably over a year and tonight i did it. I had my mouth sutured closed and the experience was more than i ever could have imagined.. it went from learning to quieten myself, to learning how to listen.

It hurt.. there was a needle going through my face so of course it hurt! The pain wasn’t what scared me about this. I have my lip pierced so i had a very vague idea of what the pain was going to be like. When He started i was scared, i wasn’t just nervous i was scared. I had wanted this for so long and now to actually have it done.. could i really do it? He started and bit by bit i was sewn closed. It got to a point where even though my head was telling me it was fine, my body was telling me we were going too fast. I had a massive wave of shock kick in, the kind of shock which makes you want to vomit, and with stitches in my mouth, vomiting wasn’t an option. So we slowed down, and bit by bit He sewed more until it was done. I am beyond proud of myself because i managed to get through something that my body did not want to happen. I over took the shock and i rode it in waves until i no longer felt sick i just floated. And for me, riding the kind of shock that makes me sick, is that hardest kind for me to fight. Its not that endured it, or  blocked it, boxed it, we just found a way that i could manage it and for me thats big. I am beyond proud because going into it i was utterly terrified.. to the point where when He was preparing things i almost backed out.

But i didn’t back out, and i found a peace like nothing else. My inner voice, the voice that has been ruling my life with negative thoughts and feelings finally shut the fuck up. I didn’t think anything…  and for someone with depression, do you know how good it feels to think nothing at all? And then the thing i didn’t expect happened. I started listening, really listening to the things people said. I do listen to people, but when you can’t speak, when you can’t answer them. You hear the things they are trying to tell you but can’t, you pick up on movement and tone and when someone tells you that they are proud of you, that you are beautiful and amazing… you understand why they are telling you. You understand that they mean it, that they feel it with everything within them and not being able to answer means that you don’t shrug it off like its nothing. You don’t shy away because of your inability to take compliments. You actually fucking listen to every word they say and you know they mean it and you feel that.

I find it hard to take compliments, i don’t hold a high opinion of myself and i often find it hard to see the things in me that others see. But when you have no voice, when there are no thoughts in your head.. you start to see what they have been trying to tell you the whole time they have known you. I find what i did to be beautiful. I kept going back to look in the mirror because despite the dried blood and thread sticking out of my face, i found the image staring back at me beautiful.

I had so many compliments on the way i looked tonight. Everyone was so incredibly kind and to talk to someone who watches my journey from afar and have her tell me how happy she is for me. That she has loved being able to watch me grow into who i am now. I did take it in, but then later when i couldn’t speak, the conversation came back to me and i understood things in a way i didn’t before.

I have felt so lost after my suspension, so at odds with the world and those around me. But by simply taking away my voice, forcing me into silence where the only thing i can do is truly listen to people.. i no longer feel lost. Its like the lost little girl inside made up her mind on which path to take and she chose to go straight through the middle of the fork and pave her own path.

What i needed to learn the most was how to listen, how to accept what others say and to smile and laugh and enjoy. Its nice to have my smile back.. even if it does hurt.

To me it was about finding myself and learning to listen, to stop the things in my head long enough to actually hear the things people were telling me.

This was selfish and my own, i did this all for myself but i needed to do it. And i’m very lucky to have such a wonderful friend who time and time again gives me exactly what i need, no matter how selfish it is.

I don’t know if i could have done this without His help because when i enter into something that terrifies me on such a massive level like this, its His silent push that marks the moment where i decide that there is no way in hell i’m backing out.

Thank You, for giving me what i needed and helping me find peace again. For just being you because your a pretty cool dude 🙂



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