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{June 3, 2013}   Suspension flop

Last weekend i did another suspension… or at least i tried to do one. I was ment to be doing a 6pt hammock, four in my knees, two in my back.. mimicking a hammock (get it?). The day wasn’t really going right for anyone from the start. One of our lovely regulars who had an epic one sorted for the day had to go home with her sick son. My poor wonderful Mischief, i know how much it would have sucked not being able to be there that day. To get to the hall and then have to go home again, but family comes first and we all understood that. So many people had pulled out for the day, so i got my mum to come down early so i could go up, so they could at least get someone up and get the day rolling until others arrived.

I was prepared, i was happy and excited and nervous and i was completely in the zone for it. But something happened and i didn’t end up flying at all. I ended up a crying emotional mess in front of everyone. So this is what i think happened… this is what i have been trying to get my head around all week so i could write something down. I have to write it down, this is part of it for me even if its taken me a lot longer to get here.. but i get here in the end.

What happened? I was cold, i couldn’t warm up all morning but i pushed this to the back of my mind because if i think i can do it, then il do it. They pierced my back and that was okay, didn’t seem to hurt as much as it usually does for some reason. Then my knees, this is where everything starts to fall apart. My second suspension i had hooks in my knees so i knew what it looked it, didn’t think it would bother me at all. Been there done that il be sweet. It hurt so much more than i thought it would, and i have always found the piercing one of the hardest bits because i find piercings in general hard i just suck it up because its all part of it and i want it. But it seriously freaking hurt, and then the way it looked. Oh my fucking god i have hooks sticking out of my knees, what the fuck am i doing! For some reason the sight of it really threw me, i couldn’t understand why it scared me but for some reason it did. I have seen suspensions over and over again now. I know what it looks like, i know what i look like, ive seen photos, videos of myself. For some reason it really did my head in. I shook it off, sucked it up, i’m fine, everythings fine this is going to be fun.

The rigging.

I don’t normally have a huge problem with getting rigged up but even having my back rigged and any slight tension or movement of the hooks hurt like hell. My body was so hypersensitive and then when it got to my knees the pain just got worse. I was terrified i wouldn’t be able to handle the lift. How can i handle the lift if i can’t even handle the rigging.. this is the easy bit. Thats the moment everything really turned to shit. I doubted myself and i have said that the only possible way i will ever get off the ground is if i don’t have a shred of doubt in my mind. I doubted myself and i knew i was doubting myself but i knew i was being stupid. I have done this before, its not that scary, its not that bad. Where is your fucking fight, where is your determination, where is that smile, that grin?

Its up to me now, the rigging is set and its up to me. The more tension on the hooks the more thoughts creep into my mind. There is no way the skin on your knees is going to be able to handle your weight, your too heavy for this style and its not going to work. Its going to rip to shreds, there is no way this is going to work. I tell myself to shut up because again im being stupid. I have to try this, i didn’t come here not to try. I know that with every suspension there is a risk of tearing, it may be a small risk but it is still a risk and i go into every single one knowing that risk. So why does it bother me today? Why is my weight all of a sudden a massive factor? I do this because its a place where my weight doesn’t matter, so why am i thinking these things now?

I push everything away, i block everything out. I can do this, i am not too heavy, i am strong and confident and i know i can do this. Bit by bit i will fucking do this and its going to take a while but i know i can get there. I am not scared, i am fine. And bit by bit i get up, but the more i get up the more my lower back hurts. I can’t relax into this, i can’t find a position thats comfortable and my arms are killing me from holding my weight because i can’t not put weight on my arms, i can’t bring them up onto myself and just have my weight on the hooks. I can’t relax and the more tense i am the more it hurts and the more different areas of my body hurts in different positions. Up, down, up, down. Bring it all the way down because i need to stop for a moment and regroup. Try again, same problems. I can’t relax and no matter how much i tell myself that i can do this i can’t. I blurt out that i need it to stop. I didn’t think about saying it, i just said it. They asked if i wanted to do a suicide instead but i knew my head had already done too much damage and i wouldn’t have been able to get off the ground with that either so i said no.

I broke down. I was so emotionally and physically fucked that all i could do was cry. I tried to piece together in my head what had gone wrong and why i had said stop but my head was all fogged up and i couldn’t think. I shut down.. I was numb.

I didn’t tell any of the team what was going on in my head because i didn’t even really know what was going on in my head. One moment i was thinking no i can’t do it and the next i was overcoming it with yes i can do this, i will do this. This wasn’t something i could talk to them about or i would have at the time. This was internal and without a voice and its only now after so much time has gone passed that i can actually put a voice to what was going on in my head. This is not a reflection of the fantastic work that these guys do it was all me.

Thats why it sucks so much. Because i know i did it all to myself and i don’t know why or how. It just happened, for whatever reason my head went mental and i couldn’t stop it, no one could have stopped that. What sucks the most is my confidence took a hit. I am now concerned about my weight when suspensions where the one place where i wasn’t concerned about it. I don’t want to suspend again until i have lost 21kgs.. my goal is double digits and thats what i have to get down to before i will be happy to try it again. I am not afraid of doing suspensions and i will still do suspensions, its such a big part of who i am. But until i have lost more weight i won’t be doing them, because losing the weight is just going to make it easier to do them. It sucks but i don’t want to go into a suspension and freak out about being too heavy again. It was the most stupidest thing ever but for some reason it happened and i’m paying for it. So i’m taking it as a good indication that i need to start doing something more about it.

I love the team. Afterwards i got messages of love and support from them and it helped so much. To hear that i wasn’t the only one upset, that they were going through it with me helped. Because each and every one of them knows how hard what we do really is, and how much it sucks when someone can’t get off the ground. I will get off the ground again, i’m not scared that it will never happen again because it will, its just going to be a while before i do.

I’m upset because i did it to myself, and thats the hardest part of all of it. It happens to the best of us, we are not always going to make it off the ground. We are special because we go into a room with the intent of trying, and even just having that intent makes us different from the rest and i love that. I love this world and its not going to stop me, i just have to get over the fact i did it to myself because its hard knowing that.

Your mind is your own worst enemy as well as the greatest gift.

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