{June 25, 2012}   Suspension time again

Yup yup, it was suspension time again!

Yesterday I did a 2pt suicide but have actually been left slightly disappointed with myself. The main goal is always to get off the ground and i have always said that it doesn’t matter if i’m up 5mins of 5 seconds its the fact i got up… but this one was so much harder to do. Mentally and physically it was one of the hardest once i was off the ground. I don’t know if it was because it was cold or if it was just me but I simply couldn’t handle what was going on and that frustrates me.

I had spent the whole day there watching others own personal battles with what they were doing and I was so excited about doing it myself. My friend Mischief did the most beautiful 10pt lotus which took my breath away, I wanted to cry because she looked so at peace after finding it hard to get off the ground. I feel so lucky that I got to watch that..

My best friend was there and it really opened her eyes up to why I do it. She already knows so much about suspensions because I can’t help but talk about it all the time, but her actually seeing it all made her really understand why i am so passionate about it all. After she had seen me do it, she said that one day she would like to do that with me…. for me that is a really huge thing. Even if she never ends up doing it, the fact that she would like to do that, suspend while i’m suspending as well… thats massive. Showing my friends what I do, letting them see why I do it and letting them see the beauty that I see it in.. its all part of it for me. Even if i only ever get one person to understand just a little bit, that makes me really happy because I love sharing this with people.

Anyway, after lunch its my turn. I get the hooks in and it’s not any more painful than the usual, I know this is the easy part and I have to get my head in the game. I plug in and let my head focus on the music, I’m rigged up and I start. I don’t want to go to fast, I take longer to tell them to take me up more because I want my body used to it, really used to it before I start again. I want to make sure I can do this. I can feel my heart pounding in my chest, it fills my ears and drowns out the music that I am trying to focus on, I have to make myself calm down. Its pounding harder and harder, like a jackhammer inside me, I can’t understand why this is happening and whats wrong. I block out the sound of my heart and I listen to my music, I focus more and I start to calm down again. Its not very painful at that moment, its more pressure and pull than pain which was why I couldn’t understand my sudden panic. I’m up on tip toes but I can’t keep my balance, Mischief helps me and I hold on to her and I walk up and down, pulling and releasing, getting my body ready. I walk  back and forth for so much longer than I need to, I knew I was ready but I had to keep doing it, I had to be certain that my body was not going to falter once it took the whole of my weight on the hooks. She stares into my eyes, telling me without words that I can do this, to focus and be calm, that I am so close and can keep going. A song comes on, Send the pain below- Chevelle.. this is it, this is my moment and if I don’t do it now I won’t do it…. send the pain below, thats what I have to do, thats what I am going to do. I tell them to take me up all the way, that last pull and I am up. Something is different this time, even when the shock and the final hit of pain is over… i can feel the muscles pull down the length of my spine. I don’t know why I feel this, what it is and what it means but it aches. I can’t process it, it won’t shift and go away but I want to stay up, I want to swing, I have to fly, this is what I have come here for. This is my moment, my own personal battle within myself and I have to fight so damn hard but its not working. I can’t seem to fight this ache and it confuses me.. why now? This is my fourth suspension so why does my body fight me now? Why does it feel so different this time and why can’t I keep fighting against it, why can’t I win this time?

At the time I am not really thinking any of this, this is what i think about afterwards.. at the time I was just so confused over the ache down the length of my back and I was trying to push that ache away so I could keep going. I want to swing, and fight for as long as I possibly can so I tell my friend to push me. I swing and I feel free and for a few moments the ache is gone and everything is back to being perfect, I grin again, feel my own power well up inside of me but then the ache returns and my heart is thumping in my head again. I need to go down but I don’t want to, I don’t want to give in and give up but I can’t fight anymore. I’m on the ground again and I know that I can’t go back up, that its all over. I stand there and feel the ache, that horrible ache that stopped me. I don’t want to open my eyes and see everyone looking so proud at me, because I don’t feel proud this time, I’m frustrated that I couldn’t fight, that I let my body win over my mind. Yes I got off the ground and I should be proud of that, and I am proud of that… but I expected too much of myself and was left disappointed when i couldn’t keep fighting. I feel faint and I just stand there and breathe until my head is a little less foggy. The hooks are removed and my back is on fire, they press the air out and patch me up, the more pressure the more it hurts. Normally this part doesn’t hurt me, once the hooks are out the pressure is good but for some reason this time my whole back aches.

I want to go, I don’t want to talk to anyone. I just want to go home and sleep… I have never felt so exhausted before from a suspension… mentally and physically exhausted. On the car ride home my friend is sitting in the back seat yabbering on… I don’t want to talk, I just want to sleep.. then maybe i can start to try and process what happened, try to understand it more so i don’t feel so upset with myself. We get home and she walks off to a bus stop, i curl up on the couch and sleep. Try to block out everything and everyone and just rest.

This was all internal, this was my body vs my mind and nothing anyone else had done would have prevented this.. this was all inside of me and the team and my friends were not responsible for this. I don’t know why I started to panic and I don’t know if thats what made this so hard for me once I was up. I don’t understand why I had a sudden pull down my back, when I haven’t had the kind of pull before, even though I have done this before. I don’t understand why I couldn’t fight the ache and keep going and I don’t understand why it went away and I was fine, and then it came back. All I know is that yes, i did a successful suspension, but it was not as successful as I wanted it to be and that in the end I couldn’t fight against my body. What I do know is that this happens. Some people don’t get off the ground and others get off the ground but can’t fight and have to come down again. I know this and I understand this. This is not an easy thing to do, fighting against yourself can be very hard and this time it wasn’t something I could keep doing.

But I had to do this, and I had to learn this, experience this and so i know the signs for next time. Next time i know that I will be able to fight for longer. I am happy that i did this, and the confidence and beauty I feel from doing suspensions are still there, and this wont stop me from doing more. It just didn’t go as well as I had planned and its not always going to go as well as I want it to. If i had said any of this at the time, everyone would have been there for me and supported me but I didn’t mention it because I didn’t understand it at the time. I had to go home, rest and then think about it all before I said to anyone what i was feeling inside. I probably wont ever understand fully what happened and I have to accept that. I have to accept that not every suspension I do is going to work out the way I want it to and that its okay to be frustrated about it.

I am disappointed that I couldn’t fight as hard as I wanted to but I did do the best I could and I did get off the ground and swing around for a bit. This is just something I have to learn from for next time…. because no matter what happens I will always do this. Suspensions are a huge part of who I am as a person now and I’m not going to let this stop me.


Mischief says:

My Beautiful Friend.
You truly do have an awareness of who you are and where you are, that shows your inner strength and growth. I saw your battle and willed you on, I knew you would get up and I hoped that once the bliss hit and you started to fly, your struggle would be over. I saw the moment it passed and sure enough you came down. I was unsure whether or not to offer to take you home straight away, next time I will know. For what it is worth, maybe the answer is to not fight, but to surrender and accept. Perhaps then maybe you will be open enough to channel that ache, that pain and send it below and use the energy from it. It is a thought.

Kyrsten says:

Hey Jessica,

I totally understand what you’re feeling as I went through the exact same struggle in Dallas this year when I suspended from my chest and knees. The year before I did my chest and it was badass, so deciding to do this one I thought would be a piece of cake. It was the most painful and intense suspension I have ever done. I had a huge amount of support around me as well but this was way to intense for me. I went up but only for a matter of seconds and once I was finished I felt a huge disappointment. So the next day when I had decided I am not going to let this get me down, I decided to do a spinning beam with Eden. I had once again the most amazing support around me but I started to panic and think shit is this it for me now? Has it become too painful? I took a while as I felt pretty scared about leaving the ground again but after a few encouraging words from some amazing people I went up. It was so amazing I swear I had tears rolling down my cheeks, everyone was watching us and I just felt so much peace. When doing the 4 man mobile last month the same thing happened and I started to panic, but I wasn’t about to give up on something we had waited so long to do. Once I was up it was all go and once again felt so amazing. I am now excited to do another one next month. Sometimes it is tough and really hard to get up, so I am glad to read that you’re not giving up on suspension. You did look amazing and I can’t wait for the next time you go up, maybe you and your friend could do a spinning beam, just sayin’ ❤

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